what father's day means to me

It means
awkward phone calls
fake love
hatred
confusion
a forced gift (my dad hates getting gifts)
reliving all the negatives of childhood

I hate father's day.  It is the worst day of the year.  I dread it, and I end up getting upset and worked up for weeks leading up to it.  (case in point I am writing this on the 6th).  I should explain.

When I was... I actually don't know when it was but before I turned 2 my parents divorced.  When I was 2 my Mom remarried.  We moved into his house, and he became my dad.  He loves me, and I love him. My hatred for this day is not because of anything he has done but rather the fact that I cannot see it as a day to celebrate him.  I lived my whole life with 2 dads and joint custody.  For as long as I can remember I called my stepdad 'dad, daddy, hero' all those things that little girls call their dads; and I called my biological father Nick, his name.  He has never been my dad, and never will be.  I spent the weekends with Nick, but I spent my life with my dad- enter a state of confusion for most of my life.

Nick remarried when I was in 1st grade, and soon after we saw less and less of each other.  By the time I was in middle school he had two little girls of his own, a wife who hated me, and  we stopped spending any time together.  When I was in High School I was into everything.  He never went to anything in middle school (cross country meets at 7am, cheer games in the evenings, choir concerts- he would go to one a year).  I was in Romeo and Juliet my Freshman year (a huge accomplishment at my school).  He went!  I was thrilled when I saw him there... but 2 scenes later he was gone.  He never went to a choir competition (I was at them from 3am to 11pm every Saturday for four years), never came to another play or musical (of which I did all).  In College- he never even saw the campus.

But on father's day I feel an obligation to call.  It is the one time a year we speak to each other.  I wish I could skip it, I wish he could just be out of my life, I wish this nightmare of our relationship could just be over.  I am really dreading this call this year because back in November/December he e-mailed me to say that he wanted to get together to talk about the wedding (and how upset he was about it).  It never worked for me to drive 3 hours for this harassment.  I hope it doesn't come over the phone on father's day!

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