Friday, June 10, 2011

fighting about the wedding

This is a little deeper about my last post. I am hoping that this reflection will help me in the conversations about why Nick (my biological father) is so upset about my wedding last year.

It wasn't that he was against me getting married (he had a year and half after the proposal to get over that- and he actually took it better than my dad).  When it came to planning the wedding I did nothing!  My mom did almost all of it.  We did not ask Nick for a penny to help with it (it was a huge financial burden for my family).  Nick didn't have a say in the happenings because really, why would he.

I have always wanted to elope.  Ever since I was 4 this was my plan- no wedding.  My reason- too much confusion as to who would walk me down the isle, and where to sit the family, and the dreaded father daughter dance.  When I was convinced that I wanted a wedding (and I'm glad my hubby convinced me) the first thing I said was that I wanted to walk down alone, and there would not be a father/daughter mother/son dance.  My dad paid for the whole shebang, so get got whatever he wanted (since he gave me everything).  He wanted to walk me down the isle.  So he did.  I had Nick meet us at the end of the isle to give me away with him.  My MIL refused to not have a dance with her son (she was a bridezilla for the all of the wedding planning) This is the same woman who did not make a place card for Nick for the rehearsal dinner, nor have a seat for him- my bridesmaids wiped away my tears on that one and reminded me to focus on me.  I wish I would have put my foot down on those dances cuz it was the worst part, I was hyperventilating in the back while she and he were dancing.  I danced with my dad, one fast short song.  I did nothing with Nick.  The entire time we were dancing it was so awkward!  I hated it, I hated knowing that Nick was sitting with his family 5 feet from us watching it, I hated knowing that it was hurting him, and I hated to torment of not having fun with my dad.  I hate that we had the father/daughter mother/son dances.  I hate myself for not putting a stop to it.  I did nothing to plan this wedding, and let everyone else do everything.  I didn't have much of a say in these matters (which I was ok with at the time).

I can see why he felt it awkward and his family felt awkward.  There were parts that made me feel awkward. But he was not there for anything in my life.  Nick was not the one who stomped into the choir directors office and slammed the door when the director was being abusive.  Nick was not the one with me at 3am loading trucks to compete, he was not the one who moved me in and out of college each year, nor was he the one that gave up everything he could for me to have everything in the world.  Nick was the one who paid for my insurance, he was the one who acted like we had a fake relationship when we met up at a family gathering, he was the one who made me sign a contract for him to help pay for college because he did not believe that I should be there or that he should be paying for anything.  At this point I would have rather of had the debt to the banks than to him.  A few good things about him- because I am feeling bad about all of this.  He was the one that took me camping when I was 4, the one who took me to KingsIsland once a year from 5-8, the one who made a bed for me in the car when a storm hit while camping, the one who would let me eat hotdogs and chocolate milk for every meal, the one who took me to chuckie cheese for my birthdays before I turned 8.  I wish he was still that man, but that man changed when I grew, and Nick has not been that man since I was in first grade.

I'm not so filled with hatred anymore, just a bit on anxiety.  What will this call bring?

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1 comment:

  1. I'm sorry this is so hard for you. I haven't had this kind of experience before but I understand the frustration and anxiety of an unknown element. I really truly hope that the phone call won't be too awkward for you, and that it will maybe end in a way you weren't expecting ;)

    Good luck girl!


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