maybe it's me

i have been so frustrated at the fact that i still do not have a job.  my husband broke down the other night at had a quarter life crisis where he realized that he had no idea what he wanted to do with his life, no real future goals (for someone that is so driven this surprised us both).  We stayed up all night talking about what he might want to do- but there is nothing he is really willing to give up to pursue anything that he only half heartily wants. 

on father's day I was struck by the verse "i am the father to the fatherless (defender of widows...)" ((I think it's matthew 6:something))  I balled my eyes out thinking about what the verse meant to me as a teenage, and now, and then I started thinking beyond me....

he is the father to the fatherless.  there are so many orphans who do not know that they have a father.  they do not know love.  my heart breaks. cracks. shatters.  I have a passion for this people group.  especially the orphans in ethiopia (don't know why, but i have for years).  I mentioned this to my friend on sunday when i arrived to church.  she is one of the children's pastors there and had pulled me aside to talk to me about some of the kids i would be working with- and i had to share with her that i was breaking inside.  This friend knows my passion for orphans and ethiopia.  she has been encouraging me to go and serve for about a year now.  I don't know how to do that.  she reminded me today that when a passion that large is put on your heart you have to plow into it, not back off of it. 

maybe the reason i don't have work is because i want a teaching position.  i have wanted it more than anything all my life.  i thought it was what god wanted me to do as well.  when i was younger i prayed about what he wanted for my life, and life blew open my book to scripture that said 'you are commissioned to go and teach the next generation'.  the calling for my life was so clear to me, and has been reinforced though the gifts He has given me.  but maybe i am misunderstanding.  maybe the reason i can't find a job is because i am not listening to Him.  Maybe it's me...