why? why am I not good enough? why do we have to go through this? why is this not over yet? why do more things keep adding on?
I am frustrated. I am sick of waiting for calls that never come. I am tired of everyone telling me that I am great, their top choice- then not hiring me. I am tired of telling my friends, family and employers- "i don't know". I'm tired of not knowing when or where we are moving, and living day to day waiting on phone calls to get inches closer to an answer. we have 10 days left on our lease. I'm sick of being told, "It will work out". I'm sick of people telling me "trust in God". The more I hear it, the less I want to do it.
I am sick of not finding hope in my life. I see so many things going on in the world around me- and so many changes for others. But those things happen to other people, and I am left sitting in my partway packed up apartment waiting on phone call just for a second interview.
I am done. I can't do it any more. I want to hide in a box and be sent into storage. Too bad this is real life, and I can't escape it. My mother now has an incurable disease that she will have to battle as she ages. My aunt had a baby preterm while her son is miles away and not allowed to come home because his father doesn't want to take him back. My cousin gets married, pregnant, divorced, and discharged from the army in less than a year. My family is so far from me- and i need to be there for them.
I don't even find rest in bible verses any more. It gives me no relief to put it in God's hands, or to wait on Him. I am angry. I am frustrated. And I am lost. When can I give up all my hopes and dreams for my life? Is it time to give it all up yet? Can I just be done?