Sunday, April 17, 2011

i hate me

ok, time to get personal, time to get real, time to get transparent.

Over the past few months I have spewed a lot of tears.  I hate my hair (another post coming this week about help for that).  I am frusterated by my weight gain (and my inability to lose it).  I don't like what i am doing with my life.  My libeo died somewhere along the way. I have been coughing (hard core) for 4 months.  I am sick of where I live.  I continually get shot down at the idea of jobs.  I could make a list of 100 things I want to change, and I cannot come up with 5 that I like about myself.

A few nights ago my hubby and I got inot a spat when I came downstairs in a nighty and did not get the rection I was expecting.  I immediatly tensed up, felt akward, and wanted to run away.  Eventually, I just went upsairs and cried. and cried. and cried.  Hubby tired to cheer me up, but I was lost. 

I was once told that when feeling down on yourself, think of 5 things you like/love about yourself.  I could not come up with 5, I only thought of 2 (I like my toes, and my nose, they are both peite). 

Hubby had a revelation last night when i was feeling really down.  I feel like something is wrong with me, and I don't know what it is.  I have tried, exercise, dieting, crafting, reading, various hobbies, changing my clothes, putting on make up and getting dolled up- but nothing changes.  His suggestion- friends. 

I went from living with girls, and having close friendships with people living seconds from my door, to being in a city where I don't know anyone.  The only people I can call friends (if i can) are people that I feel like I am intruding on.  I often get left out of invites and things because I am married- an no one else is.  I don't like that we are in such seperate places of life, or that i can't have hubby around with them. 

So... how to i remedy this?  How can I make my life better?  How can I stop being sad?


  1. Honestly, I think we are living very similar lives right now! I can relate to everything you just said. I definitely think it all boils down to feeling like I have friends near me (rather than a few states away) that I can do things with or rely on.

    I don't have the answers, but I have found that trying to interact with people in the blog world and the real world more has helped. And I have tried to get out in the sun and do things for me. Last weekend I went and got a pedicure and ended up talking to the woman next to me. It was nice to talk with someone other than the hubs!

    I'd be happy to bounce "get happier" ideas off each other!


  2. I definitely know how that feels! I'm living in the same city as most of my friends, but in a different part and now that I'm married my single friends don't want to hang out with me anymore. I've tried all the same things you've done and still it's been lonely.

    I've decided to try and put myself out there a little. At church I've talked to a couple girls my age and it helps a bit. I don't know when I'll finally be to that place where I feel happy and secure and like I matter to others. (other than my hubby and family) I agree with Anna and would love to bounce ideas around ;)

    Feel free to email me if you just need to talk, or we can become pen pals or something ;)

    Ali, blog:

  3. oh girl, I definitely know how you feel! Our first year of marriage/out of school was rough on me too! I felt that same way...just generally down and discontent but not really sure why. The transition out of the amazing community Taylor provides is so dang difficult! Praying for you!

  4. aww honey ... I do believe that your husband is right and what you need are some good old fashion girlfriends! And you know what ... if you don't have any physical ones close to you, the phone works great and you have the ladies on here you can run to!

    I understand the job frustration! I noted your other post about teaching jobs and I commented on that too ... trust ... I understand. And if I focus too much on the negativity of it all it causes me to spiral into depression.

    I would buy A Place of Yes by our shared icon Bethenny ... because it will help you gain control. I'm starting to take back control and even though this doesn't mean I'm happy or positive all the time it does mean that I can take initiative to help myself.

    I feel for you sweetie and I think you're incredibly brave to put all these feelings out to all of us.
    Praying for you!

  5. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I'm sort of in the same situation in the city we're living in now--I moved here not knowing anyone and then the people I did get to know were from school and they couldn't really relate to me, being married and a few years older. It's definitely tough! But it's something you have to work at, I've found. Have you thought about joining or something like that?

    As for the other stuff, I think we all go through phases where we're just profoundly dissatisfied with ourselves and our lives. Anyone who tells you they never feel like they hate themselves is a liar!

  6. I know how you feel, I always feel really unattractive and barely do things with friends.
    Try to re-light your relationships with old friends, or make new ones :) even talking to them on the phone can help how you feel!
    As for your nightie, I work in a lingerie store, try to get something more attention grabbing that would REALLY be hard to miss ! Sometimes guys don't take into account that you might want something, especially if they're not used to it! Go for something like this; and i highly doubt he will not react how you want him to :)
    Take care <3

  7. i know you wrote this a while ago but I wanted to just send you a note of support. i can not tell you enough how important to me girl time is! Every Monday I get together with a group of my single friends and watch The Bachelor/ette and the first Sat of every month I get together with a group of friends where I'm the newlywed and the *only* one without kids yet. Both of those "dates" are as important to me as dates with my husband. I hope you're able to meet (or rekindle old) and develop new female friendships.

    On another notes... reading the beginning of your post red flags went off for me... have you had your thyroid checked? a lot of what you mentioned are symptoms of commonly goes undiagnosed. It's a simple blood test and worth checking out with your doc. *hugs*


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